Monday, February 16, 2009

MANUAL DE URBANIDAD (y las Buenas Costumbres)



Hugo Juárez


De Cómo Rascarse el Deseo

Sí, usted preciado lector que una y otra vez ha huido a ese temblor que no sólo le sacude las piernas sino que también le borra la memoria; sí, me dirijo a esa cálida lectora que se ha hundido en innumerables fricciones existenciales que no le alivian al mínimo su frigidez; y por supuesto a ustedes, santos de devoción ardiente y manos frías, el MANUAL DE URBANIDAD (MU) y las Buenas Costumbres les garantiza aceitarles cada una de sus lubricaciones o se compromete a limarles los callos de su  corazón  (oferta válida sólo en los Emiratos Arabes, República del Congo y el norte del Periférico).
Porque usted, diestro lector, sabe que atorarse en sus comezones es tan perjudicial como no rascárselas, el MU (y las Buenas Costumbres) le redimirá de sus culpas siguiendo estos sencillos pasos: 

CUESTIONARIO
(Tache su opción)

1.- La zona más ampulosa de su ser es:

a) El dedo gordo de su pie izquierdo, exactamente en esa uña que le punza todas las noches pero que no está decidido a cortársela porque entonces le duele todo el cuerpo.
b) El centro de la niña de sus ojos, donde se columpia ese recuerdo que no se puede extirpar y que por todos lados ve.
c)  La mano derecha, arriba de línea de la vida y el monte de venus. 


2.- Su fijación onánica favorita:

a) Arrancarle las hojas al calendario y con cada una tejerse miles de citas por cumplir.
b) Arrancarle las hojas al Playboy (o girl) para surcirse una cama en la cual el satín del papel le seque sus fantasías.
c) Arrancarle las horas al Internet, en donde teje una telaraña de imposibles.

3.- Su lubricante favorito es:

a) Grasa de coche circulando en todas direcciones. 
b) Un enorme bosque de pinos en donde las enredaderas trepan cada escaño de su ser.
c) Caracoles, ranas, hormigas y a veces una araña columpiándose en cada fibra de su sexo.

4.- ¿Con qué material gusta arropar su deseo?:

a) Plumas, encaje y medias.
b) Zapatos de punta alta.
c) Esa almohada con decenas de lunares.

5.- ¿Qué es lo que lo desangra?:

a) Una chequera bastante sedienta de amor.
b) Tanto deseo que lo mueve a desear amputar cada una de sus extremidades.
c) La deforme belleza del circo sexual, por ejemplo unos enanos trepando cada poro de su piel.

6.-  ¿El sexo le da risa?

a) En la tina del baño que hasta lo mueve a cantar. 
b) Sólo en un callejón o en un baldío.
c) En su coche, en el segundo piso del Periférico.

7.- Usted prefiere:

a) Un cuerpo sin vello es bello.
b) El exceso de grasa en nalgas, senos y algunas quesadillas.
c)  Iluminar tatuajes y perforar sus sentidos con piercings.

8.- Le llama la atención:

a) Un teléfono llamándole al deseo. 
b) Una letra alineando su cuerpo.
c) Una voz deletreando letrinas.

9.- La otra extensión de su ser es:

a) Vibrar al ritmo de unas pilas.
b) Ese bello muñeco(a) que le desinfla la soledad. 
c) Despertar del sueño al sexo.

Sume cinco puntos por cada a), diez por cada b) y 15 por cada c), y pase al:


CONSULTORIO:

De 45 a 75 puntos: DESEOSO-GANOSO PERO DUDOSO

Se lo han dicho hasta el cansancio, la autogratificación produce melancolia, oligrofenias, cardiopatías, calvicie y ceguera. Es más le han atado las manos por las noches para que no naufrague en esos sueños húmedos que volvieron loco a algún tío suyo pero no hacía falta, su madera es de santo, y como tal sólo le interesa el placer exquisito de una buena cena, el olor de la piel (en un coche nuevo) así como el chasquido de una botella de vino al abrirse anunciando un sólo plan: usted y su más angustioso placer, cómo sumarle ceros a su chequera sin adelgazar su apetito. Vamos, usted está en la base de la pirámide hedonista y todo lo que la sostiene le pertenece, para qué preocuparse por los costos, recuerde que no existe el mañana y que todo lo que ha atesorado para su deleite está ahí esperándolo ansiosamente. No llegue tarde. 

De 75-105 puntos: DESEOSO-GOLOSO EN ESTADO COMATOSO 

¿Ha notado que al hablar transmina hormonas mezcladas con ron? Suaves trufas que no empalagan ningún paladar. Reconózcalo, si pudiera se haría un candado con su ser más profundo pero eso, está más que probado, únicamente le ha desertizado la líbido. Termine ese romance de polietileno que le impide navegar por los múltiples sitios de su existencia. Más allá de las XXX existe un mundo en technicolor que tiene un solo actor (usted) y varios finales felices, embarque sus juguetes y tactos en compañía de la persona más alejada de usted, que de lo que se trata es de encontrarse fuera del alcance de su mano.

De 105-135 puntos: DESEOSO-GLORIOSO SIN MIEDO AL REPOSO

No le teme a sus monstruos internos. Los ha sentado en sus rodillas y juntos han descubierto el origen del mundo como San Antonio ya lo entendía: nacimos entre la mierda y la sangre y así hemos de acabar. Sus genitales, bien mirados, son horrendos, no lo mueven a ninguna pasión metonímica. Ha espulgado su carne y no es diferente a ninguna otra, sirve para comerse y ha hecho festines que al final le han dejado un amargo sabor. Porque usted sabe que pertenece a esa tribu de modernos cátaros hartos del deseo, deseosos de vivir sin alimentar falsas satisfacciones. Porque lo que le satisface es mirar al deseo ahí desnudo en el espejo y pensar, qué puto gordo estoy.

45 comments:

Signo de la Espada said...

Ah ternuriiitaaaa.... pelón hijo de la chingada, su mother le voy a partir.

Saludos Master K

marichuy said...

"b) El centro de la niña de sus ojos, donde se columpia ese recuerdo que no se puede extirpar y que por todos lados ve."

Jota-pe

Jaja esta opción de zona ampulosa me encantó. Y harta pena de informarle, que salí muy mal parada en este bonito cuestionario.

Un saludo

jota pe said...

-- marichuy (sorry espada, ladies first), muchas gracias por participar en el cuestionario, y mire que es un halago que la ninia de sus ojos haya pasado por aqui, mil gracias!

jota pe said...

-- espada, ya le entendi, te equivocaste de cajita, juar juar juar!

Vidita said...

Mis resultados: DESEOSA-GLORIOSA SIN MIEDO AL REPOSO

jajajajajaja

Que cinica soy caray.Y todavía tengo tiempo como para contestar mas test como estos. Gracias me hiciste reir y disfrutar mucho, bueno hasta me imaginé con juguetes, muñecos de carne y hueso, inflables, lencería, pelis, el KIT completo pues. Y logró usted con sus letras ponerme bastante lúbrica y lúdica :P

Besos

jota pe said...

-- gracias vidita, una vez pasado el test puedes ir manejando cualquier deseo por la vida, gracias!

Signo de la Espada said...

Qué güey, ese comentario iba para uno post de sacatrapos :P Gracias por entender. yo quería decir que no entro en ninguna de esas clasificaciones :P

jota pe said...

-- no problemo amigou, recuerda, si tomas no manejes, jejejeje!

A said...

La deseosa pero pudorosa...

Jiciste reir, gracias por eso

Besos golosos
A.

jota pe said...

-- querida A(nsiosa) pero pudorosa, es mi placer hacerte reir, jejeje, gracias, que gusto que te gusto, besos deseosos

malbicho said...

110!!! ("modernos cátaros hartos del deseo")

desde esta mañana que leí mi perfil astrológico en una cadena de mails, que no me sentía tan íntimamente descrita

fablogoso!

como puedo solicitar mi horóscopo sexual para el lustro por venir?, a cuánto el oráculo y a cómo la pitonisa?

solicito pronta respuesta, no me dejes hundida en la oscuridad de un beso negro

jota pe said...

-- malbicho, disculpa por no checar estos comentarios, que pena, deveras que prometo checar a como estan en el mercado los horoscopos, te doy noticias, gracias mil!

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